To offset the miserable mood I've found myself in (improving as the night continues), here are four excerpts from writings I composed starting in late 2008 and concluding somewhere in Spring of 2011 (that's the only one I didn't date). They're not necessarily connected by any event, but for whatever reason, when packing for Japan and going through everything, I packed these four, all written on scrap paper. The last one is just a quote, however.
I make no claim of being insightful or interesting. You've been warned.
25 November 2008
It (the world) does not care if I live or die. For the present time, it matters not what I do. In 100 years, my name, and all the impact my life had, will be of negligible quantity. So, if things do not to go plan, there is not only no need to brood and become depressed, but in fact it is a waste of time and energy. This is not to say that one should ignore one's emotions, but rather that one should embrace these sentiments while realizing their brevity. Once this moment has passed, it is time to move on, pick another goal, realign the sights, and try again. Insofar as this fits with my view of the world, this approach to life seems the most efficient means of keeping a goal on the RADAR screen and, in my opinion, also seems the most human means of attaining a goal.
What impact will the item in question have on your life one day, month, or year from now?
04 April 2010
"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." 25, and at what point does life begin? Did it start without me? Standing outside before my shift, the hum of computer fans and blandly-painted walls awaiting, my eyes found themselves fixed upon the clouds. Giant masses of vapor, swirling and tumbling with unimaginable grace and power, slowly lumber thousands of feet overhead. 65 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze; does it get any better?
"The system is down." The only objects of color at my shared desk are the mouse pad and the monitor connector. Ants. Is this what I've aspired to? I refuse. Do I belong... here? ... outside? ... in the clouds? ... inside, writing to convey my thoughts on purpose with a GI pen and paper jacked from the printer? What is my goal?
Philanthropy is a novel idea. Bike & Build sits uneasily with me as an off-balance mix of personal challenge and fulfillment masquerading as service. Either I'm wrong, or this is not my goal. At either conclusion, what's next? The clouds? The ground? The seas? Though it is sad, so many never choose to take control of the adventures. Perhaps in my life thus far, I am one.
So, what conclusion am I drawing? Life is like writing with this pen; it cannot be erased, but its existence is in my hands.
08 January 2011
I felt like, if only for a moment, I let it all go. There was nothing, and I belonged to nothing. My body relaxed, my senses went numb, and there I existed. Possessions meant nothing. Money meant nothing. I was alone amongst these things in a house perhaps also empty. I felt as though I was 1,000 miles away without a friend. But unlike before, I didn't feel afraid. I didn't feel like I should have been figuratively gasping for air. There was just a stillness.
Almost like a realization that some important notion was false, I put down my barriers and guards. I listened to nothing, because that's all there was to hear. The music had faded away.
In my head moments earlier was an image of me standing alone, about to leave on a trip to New Zealand. Back in reality, I started to look around and see that nothing in my room was really important. "Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope." I told myself as I looked around.
"It's simple; it's just not easy."
Late Spring, 2011
"To be successful, you must be willing to accept failure." - Marc McCoy
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